Don’t Date Me. I’m a Writer.

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If you’re not a writer, you’ll never understand the struggles we actually go through. As beautiful as all the right words poetically placed together may seem, little do you know the tragedy behind it all. Some of the greatest pieces of writing come from pain. Why? Because we all can relate. When you read a book, a poem, or lyrics, your engagement and your interest comes from something deeper within. Internally you are captivated subconsciously by an experience in your real life as for goes the inspiration by the writer.

You may think writing is therapeutic as if it’s some kind of a release..which it is but what you don’t get is that we have to unwillingly feel every single kind of emotion – again.

Joy, again. Worry, again. Fear, again. Loss, again. Heartbreak, again and again.

We feel emotions and everything in our physical realm bare minimum 4x as much as the rest of the world and we simply can’t help it. Pre-writing, rough drafts, revising, and editing can all be compared to your version of over-thinking but with an anxiety level so high that wont come down until we reach perfection.

Pre-writing is as raw as it gets. Emotions are splattered across a page, sentences smeared from wet ink, and puddles of tears spilling all over each word.

Rough drafts bring the actual physical pain. Hand muscles start hurting but we refuse to stop. 2, 3, or 4 times more we feel whatever we are writing about with the thought of our desired reader in mind. There’s always someone special.

Revising. Ha. That’s like asking someone who’s suffering a loss to delete memories from their brain because it will make them feel better. Whether there’s a need to add or take away, again…that’s just more words to bring to the pain.

Editing? “Write drunk, edit sober,” as the legendary Ernest Hemingway would say. In this moment, improving content just means replacing words the world can’t handle in order to be a respectable piece.

I’ve tried to pick up smoking once but for me there truly is no greater release than this. The moment of finally being able to put a pen down is just as good as an exhale after a whole pack. Addiction comes in all types of forms.

All this comes from a new rule in life that I’ve found. “Don’t waste your ink on them, darling,” is what I have to keep saying to myself. To physically see everything inside of you may be a gift, but one that I also fear. With the flow of a pen in the middle of the night…I bleed out much more than just ink. The struggle goes beyond skill, reaching a block, or finding work. When I feel something…I’m stuck and writing it out is letting it out but also means feeling it all again. It’s almost as if once I write about someone..there’s no turning back. Because for me, once it’s in black-and-white…that’s as good as set in stone. There’s no erasing, no deleting, and I don’t have it in me to rip pages out. Even if I did, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I bled.

When it comes to the dating game, I like this new rule as if it will be easier for me not to feel. As much as I’d like to be a reckless lover, a Samantha from Sex & the City, I will always be a Carrie.

Consider me an over thinker and an over communicator. Trust me, I wish I could stop. The entire 4 stages of the writing process could easily be avoided if I just decided not to write about anyone at all. No one is worth writing about unless they’re meant to stay because for a writer, feelings and thoughts are absolutely magnified once written down with a pen and if you’re not dating one too – that’s enough to say you’re already too invested.

To the last one, I regret wasting ink on you. That page in my little black book deserves a dream, an idea, not you. Although I had it in me to only write you one letter and a letter of joy, I’m proud to say it was never sent.

To the next one, prepare to be overwhelmed with pages because I’m saving them all for you. I know you’ll be worth writing about and my pen will never run out of ink.

And to the current one, I hope you find that…shit.

X,

Alyssa Camille

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